Sometimes they fight.

I have two boys exactly two years apart in age.

They fight.

We started with time outs, then standing nose to nose.

From there we moved on to me telling them to take it out to the trampoline and don't come back in until you've gotten in all out of your system...and no crying.

Then it was "best friend duty". If they fought they got the opportunity to be each other's best friend for one whole day. No doing anything with friends or even by yourself. Your "best friend" must accompany you in all your tasks...like a missionary companion.

The latest thing my ever so creative husband came up with was they each had to make a list of 20 things they liked about each other and then read it to one another. Every morning for the rest of the week, they must go into the other's room and read their list to them.

Carson's list to Bryson:

sometimes your nice.

you help me.

your athletic.

your fast.

your cool.

your funny.

you stick up for me.

you go to church.

your smart.

you play things with me.

you don't cuss.

you are good at volleyball.

your good at TF2. (a video game)

you are good at wii tennis.

you have good friends.

your good at making friends.

you are not fat.

you are a good example.

you are a great friend.

your my brother.

Bryson's list to Carson:

I like your humor,

your airsoft skills,

your soccer skills,

how you ask me to help you on your homework,

you helping me out.

I like your (sun) glasses,

when you play volleyball with me,

when you let me hang out with you,

when your nice to me.

I like when you don't complain,

when you let me take a turn on the wii/computer,

when you let me on your ipod,

when you ask politely,

when you laugh with me.

I like your laugh,

when you compliment me,

your trampoline tricks,

how creative you are.

I'm keeping them.

It's a good reference to have when they tell me how annoyed they are by the other.

I can just refer them to their lists.

The way you do the things you do...

I am married to a guy whom I adore...I'm pretty sure he likes me too. :)

He is as devoted of a husband as they come. He treats me with respect, kindness and patience.

He is a hard worker. He never looks for excuses, he just does. He's a doer.

He is an amazing father of four that love the pieces out of him. He is a hands-on dad. He is a patient dad.

He has high standards and a brilliant testimony.

He has three brothers, all of the same caliber. Not quite as fabulous as the brother I snagged, but pretty amazing guys, nonetheless. :)

As a mother of three boys, I am naturally curious of how he turned out to be the man he is.

I stayed up late one night, probing him like an investigative reporter, determined to find out the secret so that I might pass it down to my children.

He never had a sister, his mom was the only woman in their family. His dad always treated her like she was something out of the ordinary. They weren't allowed in the door before his mom had a chance to come inside first. Speaking to her in any form of disrespect was not tolerated. She was different. She was more delicate than the rest of them, she smelled better, and she was softer.

He learned that women are something out of the ordinary and should be treated as such.

His dad's parents were both teachers and later principals. Education was always talked about and it became clear very quickly how important a good education was to his father. He passed that conviction down to his sons.

My husband's parents raised their kids with the idea that if they wanted something, they had to work for it. From their bikes, to Christmas lights, to their education.

He got a good education and he became a hard worker.

My husband tells me his dad never parented out of emotion. He was always calm and spoke to them calmly even when they were in trouble. He says his dad was strict but never angry. And, his dad always took an interest in what interested them.

My husband learned to be a great father.

God and their religion was always important to his parents. It was weaved into their day to day life. He says, no, they weren't perfect with family prayer and scripture study but we grew up knowing it was important. And, there were some things that we knew there was just no getting around. Family night every Monday at 7:00pm and church every Sunday, even on vacations...which we hated.

I am grateful for those things because that's what helped build the strong convictions my husband has today.

Then there's me.

I don't take life too serious.

I have fun with my kids.

I make pretty good decisions. (it may take me awhile, but they're usually good ones!)

I dote on my handsome husband.

I love to cook and know the importance of eating dinner together as a family.

And, I have an undeniable testimony of who I am, where I am going, that my family can be together for eternity, and that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me.

As I thought about my husband's upbringing, I realized mine was different. Not bad or worse than his, just different.

I was raised by parents who laughed, a lot. In fact, I think that's mostly all my mom did...

I could go on forever about story after story of incidents where the last thing the situation at hand called for was laughter, but, that's what my mom always did, laugh. My mom always played with us. I think even my dad would shake his head sometimes and wonder when she was ever going to grow up. My family was definitely not a serious one, that's for sure!

My parents taught me not to take life too serious. Heavenly Father put us on this earth to have fun and to laugh and to love.

My dad is a wise man. He is good at thinking analytically and unbiased. Instead of always giving me the answers, he would help me think it through logically and come up with my own answers.

I am grateful that that rubbed off on me. Those lessons have helped me make some of the most important decisions in my life as well as the seemingly mundane ones.

I remember my dad coming home from a long day at the dairy. He would plop down on the couch and my mom would take his boots off and rub his feet. I remember being little and watching my mom put on makeup in the middle of the afternoon. I would ask where she was going and she would respond, "Nowhere. You're daddy will be home soon and I want to look good for him." My mom's mom was the queen at doting on your man. You were never to get your plate of food without first making a plate for your man and making sure he was taken care of. To this day, you will get yelled at if your man is standing around empty handed when there is food to be eaten. When you make your guy feel like he's "the man", he in turn, will treat you with love, respect and gratitude in return.

It's an inherited trait to dote on your man in my family and I love it!

Another inherited trait from both sides of my parents' family is the love of cooking. I'm grateful for a mom that loved to cook from scratch. She taught me the importance of a good home cooked meal and sitting around a table of family, sharing in those savory efforts.

Like most families, we had family prayer, scriptures, and family home evening, but were not perfect at it. But, I learned from the example of my parents how important prayer and scripture study is. I remember coming into my parents bedroom, long after we were supposed to be in bed to ask a question and finding my dad immersed in the scriptures or several occasions walking in on my mom, knelt beside her bed in prayer.

I learned where to turn for peace and answers not because my parents told me, but because they showed me through their example. I know I have a father in heaven that loves me because he hears and answers my prayers.

I am so grateful for two amazing sets of parents. This job of raising children is definitively not an easy one, but I hope that someday, despite my shortcomings, my kids can look back and find some good in the job I did as their mom.

Someday they will fly the nest

My oldest nephew just left for 2 years to serve a full time mission in Paraguay. Sitting through his farewell, open house, and finally his setting apart last night, it started hitting closer to home than i imagined.

It seems like just last year he was my oldest son's age.

The thought hits me with the stunning realization of how fast time is flying by.

It doesn't seem that long ago I watched my own mom say goodbye and send her oldest son off on a mission. I still think of her as that same age. Is it possible that i could really only be five years from being my mom? Did i fall asleep somewhere along the way and now I'm just waking up...old? (No offense, mom)

5 years to be a parent to my oldest, the guinea pig, that's all I've got?!

I spent this weekend (in it's entirety) helping one of my dearest friends create her daughter's dream wedding. I watched her eyes fill with tears as her oldest child drove off to start her new life.

As we cleaned up, my sweet friend said, "I hope I taught her well enough to cook and keep house. I wish I had more time to teach her! Hopefully she remembers all the important things."

Ultimately our job as parents is to prepare these little people the Lord so graciously sends into our lives to someday be able to live without us.

And so, we correct, we scold, we admonish.

We set rules, boundaries, and hold to them.

We worry.

Are we teaching them responsibility? The importance of a clean room?

I worry and fret so much about whether or not I'm doing the right things for my children. Am I teaching them enough? How much can I cram into my oldest over the next 5 years? Are they getting these lessons I keep lecturing about, responsibility, work ethic, etc, etc.

I called my sister-n-law this morning to see how she was doing, just hours after she had to say goodbye for 2 years to a piece of her heart.

She was doing as well as could be expected.

She said something that has stuck with me all day long.

She said for the last couple months she has worried, "Did we teach him enough? We weren't the best at family scriptures and most of the time family home evening was a comedy routine."

She worried, "Does he know how to sew a button? Wash his own laundry? Mend split pants?"

But on the way to the airport, she realized none of it really mattered.

Those things are all good. Good things to teach, good things to know. But, he can learn the scriptures. He will figure out laundry, sewing buttons. He can even figure out and learn to be organized and clean.

However, no one can ever teach him, show him, or help him feel how much he is loved by his mom and dad.

She said she realized that that was all that really mattered, the rest you have a lifetime to learn and figure out.

All day long today I've wondered, do my kids know how much I love them? And not just the normal "i'd give my life for you" kind of love, but also the give up the last fudgesicle, make their favorite dessert even though i'm on a diet kind of love.

Do they know that even if i wasn't their mom, I would choose them? I would choose them to watch a movie with. I would choose them to lay in bed and stay up all night talking with. I would choose them to play games with. I would choose each one of them to be my best friends. Do they know that?

This weekend has changed my priorities.

I will still try my darnedest to teach them how to get their socks in the hamper.

I won't stop trying to teach them responsibility.

But someday they will leave my house.

And when they do, above everything I have taught them, I hope they feel, not just know, but feel how much they are loved by the woman they are leaving behind.

(Sedona 2009)

(Sedona 2009)

(Mt. Graham 2009)

(Father's & Sons campout 2002)

The necessary evil

I found this in my "posts that never got finished". This was a week after Bryson's birthday in October. I think it's important for him to look back and see this one someday. :)

It has entered our home, into the hands of a 13 yr. old and...

our lives will never be the same.

It was only a matter of time before it was going to happen.

Inevitable really.

I mean, I could only put it off for so long.

And now, it doesn't leave his clutches! His fingers have become quick on the draw, perhaps one of the fastest texters around.

(And what's with kids these days? They take to texting like it's second nature to them, like they were born to do it.

Weird.

It took me forever to get my fingers to move at a reasonable speed that actually made texting quicker than calling someone!)

It has caused his social life to explode. As if that wasn't problem enough already...

And girls! That's all he texts with. Overnight he went from goofy preteen to a regular Casanova.

It's opened up a whole new world of interaction with the opposite gender...a sure fire way to accelerate any relationship.

Thank the heavens I didn't cave and give him one sooner...

at least i had 13 good years with him. :)

Clarification

For my future posterity and a few friends with raised eyebrows, regarding my parenting choices.

I feel i need to clarify my earlier post about Carson being sent to the office and me swooping in to "save" him.

I am not a helicopter parent, flying in to rescue her children and the slightest sign of distress.

I am not a busy body.

I have learned the hard way, and at the expense of this child in particular, that I have to be his advocate. No else will do it. No one in this world knows my child better than me.

I made the mistake early on in his life of assuming his teachers' knew what was best and were always right.

I took their side every time over his.

He suffered tremendously because of it.

I was naive. My first child just melded right into society. He didn't stand out exceptionally one way or the other, a teacher's dream.

When this one came along and didn't go in the same direction as everyone else, he was noticed, and not in a good way.

His first teacher told him, literally told him, he was a very bad boy. He spent 90% of the day in trouble. He came home everyday with notes pinned on him listing all the things he did wrong during the day. To which i would take away privileges and send him to bed early.

I watched as this brilliantly talented and extremely happy child slowly faded away into an insecure, nervous wreck.

After a check up with my pediatrician, he noticed some differences in him as well. He asked him several questions regarding home, soccer, and...school. When that subject came up, he began pacing and frantically biting his nails.

The pediatrician had the nurse take my son out so we could talk in private.

It took my wise pediatrician getting involved, and the principal and school district taking action with the teacher for me to realize that it never should have come to that.

I am the mom.

I know my child.

I am his only advocate.

And, i had let him down.

I refuse to let society, the school, or bad teachers label him (or any of my children, for that matter) and convince him he is something he is not.

"Kids don't become what you think they can, they don't become what they think they can. They become what they think you think they can."

It took a couple of years to undo the self esteem damage but I think he and I are both better people for it. He already knows, perhaps even more than some adults, that his self-worth isn't based on what people think or how they treat him.

He's a good kid, with a kind heart.

And, a straight A student.

When he gets detention for not turning in his math homework, i don't get mad. That's his choice. If having detention bothers him enough, he'll do his homework. If it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother me. He's a straight A student and works on math workbooks at home that are two grade levels above what he is learning at school just because he is curious and has a thirst for knowledge.

I'm sure his teacher thinks I'm not a very responsible parent for not taking action when he has detention and, I'm okay with that.

I know my son.

And so back to our story last week...

this son of mine, bless his heart, spends a fair share of his time in detention, at the principal's office, missing recess and fun friday and getting carbon copy papers that go into his permanent file sent home to be signed.

Most of which are ridiculous. We talk about them, sometimes have a good laugh about them, sign the papers and go on with life.

If my child gets in trouble for being disrespectful, belligerent, or mean, i wont tolerate it.

But, if my child is severely punished because he "he has done something during computer lab that not even the district can figure out and therefor might be a threat for hacking into the school's computer system" or "catches frogs at recess" or "has a bean dipping war with his friends at lunch", or my personal favorite, "is a threat to the President of the United States", I don't take it too seriously.

In fact, I might just decide to take him out for ice cream. :)

The square peg...

I am grateful for my non-cookie cutter kids.
I am actually grateful that not only are they all different from each other, but that some of them march to the beat of their own drum.
I can say I am glad they don't always meet the expectations of their teachers and other adults in their life that for some odd reason seem to think that because their child behaves in a certain way, every other child should act, react, and think that same way.
I am glad to have a square peg or two that don't fit into the round hole.

I got an email from one of my son's teachers at school this week. She said she wanted to talk to me about his behavior at school. He likes to talk in the halls, he sang one too many ooh-la la's and cha-cha-cha's after singing the happy birthday song to a girl in the class, he tossed his lunch box in the air and caught it right before they lined up for lunch and that he is often found dancing in line.

What exactly is one supposed to do with this information? I mean i don't email her a summary of the little quirks he does that annoy me. I just emailed her back and said, "Good to know!"

Ooh la la and cha cha cha are just fun words to say. Add a little booty shake to it and bam, you've got a good time! Random things are good for the soul. Doing random things means your happy, you're breakin' out of the same routine of simply picking up your lunch box and carrying it to the lunch room. And, let it be known, that there is always room for dancing. To my kids I say, "Oh yes, there will be dancing, however, wherever and whenever you feel the need, there will be dancing." Let's not get crazy people, that is still one constitutional right that has not been touched. Let the people dance whenever and however they may.